Finally is raning season here, in the South. The sky was dark grey and it rained all day today and for no reason I felt so blue. After my afternoon nap, I woke up with this memory: the sound of a fireplace, flames snapping and this feeling of calmness. I remember that there was this channel on TV that had this 24 hour fireplace burning that I used to watch when I was in this guy’s house.
We used to put it on and sit on the couch, doing nothing. Just listening to it burn. When I was on the West Coast I used to see this guy, I think I can call him “C”. He was older than me (I have a thing for daddies) and he was a really kind and nice guy and funny too. Obviously, he was broke, like I was. Come on, who is 100% okay in this era of liquid love and easy sex?
It was winter and we used to see each other maybe 3 times a week. I had to take a bus and a train and then he would get me in the station. I know that it seems quite a travel, but it was worth, It was so nice to have someone to hold close. I remember being so homesick at that time…
I remember one night, we were in bed and we were talking abour friendships, family and Christmas stuff and I bursted in tears, because I wasnt invited for the travel my friends were doing to the mountains. Also, because my ex-boyfriend, instead of coming to spent the hollidays with me, he decided to stay at home and party with friends. He kindly hold my hand and watched me cry for almost half hour… That’s embarrassing.
Looking back, I wish I was a better guy to him. I wasn’t prepared and he wanted so many things and I was taker and not a giver. I wasn’t prepared to be with him and I feel so sorry for that. Also, It feels so distant now. It feels like a life that I’m not sure I had lived.But, today I’m missing it: the fireplace sound, the company in bed, the cold weather. I really miss having someone holding me close, it’s nice feeling safe sometimes.