The Fireplace

Finally is raning season here, in the South. The sky was dark grey and it rained all day today and for no reason I felt so blue. After my afternoon nap, I woke up with this memory: the sound of a fireplace, flames snapping and this feeling of calmness. I remember that there was this channel on TV that had this 24 hour fireplace burning that I used to watch when I was in this guy’s house.

We used to put it on and sit on the couch, doing nothing. Just listening to it burn. When I was on the West Coast I used to see this guy, I think I can call him “C”. He was older than me (I have a thing for daddies) and he was a really kind and nice guy and funny too. Obviously, he was broke, like I was. Come on, who is 100% okay in this era of liquid love and easy sex?

It was winter and we used to see each other maybe 3 times a week. I had to take a bus and a train and then he would get me in the station. I know that it seems quite a travel, but it was worth,  It was so nice to have someone to hold close. I remember being so homesick at that time…

I remember one night, we were in bed and we were talking abour friendships, family and Christmas stuff and I bursted in tears, because I wasnt invited for the travel my friends were doing to the mountains. Also, because my ex-boyfriend, instead of coming to spent the hollidays with me, he decided to stay at home and party with friends. He kindly hold my hand and watched me cry for almost half hour… That’s embarrassing.

Looking back, I wish I was a better guy to him. I wasn’t prepared  and he wanted so many things and I was  taker and not a giver. I wasn’t prepared to be with him and I feel so sorry for that. Also, It feels so distant now. It feels like a life that I’m not sure I had lived.But, today I’m missing it: the fireplace sound, the company in bed, the cold weather. I really miss having someone holding me close, it’s nice feeling safe sometimes.

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How to love someone that’s going to hurt you?

Dear, R

I have been there before. It started with me going crazy trying to figure out what’s happening. Then, I close myself inside a shell, because I know that I will get hurt and I know that there is nothing cool about it.

So i protect myself and I kill the relationship. I start to doubt all the I love you’s (do you really love me or you are trying to keep me around?), all the ” I miss you’s”… Why You still using a hook up app, saying that you want to make friends? Why you still there? Why have You changed your image on scruff? You are always online. I try not to think about all the possibilities: are you seeing someone new? Are you trying to replace me with someone more handsome than me and also closer?

So, what should I do? Should i join on scruff, and use a shirtless avatar and let all the guys hit on me?

All the baggage from the past relationships seemed to be in front of me, to remember how it feels to be left behind, to be forgotten. Do You know that I have planned all moments of our lives? Do You Know I think about You all the time ?

Maybe I should start to give names to my insecurities. Maybe I’m feeling all this because of that guy I loved so much and suddenly he decided I wanst the perfect fit and I stayed in the relationship, while he found another guy and started to date in less than 1 month? (Oh, now he’s trying to hang out with me again).

Or, maybe it was that other guy, that was kinda of abusive and in the end both dedided to open the relationship and I feel in love with You dear, R. while he was going out with another guy, presented him to our friends and then decided that he still loved me?

Or, all the others guys who always said I was the perfect one, but never asked me to be their boyfriends. Because, it was missing something. I wasnt that good enough to be someone boyfriend.

Whatever… I don’t know if I can trust you anymore and I’m feeling miserable. I always thought that one day I would arrive in this place, this safe place. But, it seems not posible in the Gay community. What’s wrong with us ?

The Despair of Not Being Good Enough

As a Black kid I have struggled my whole life to be good. Not just “good” I had to be better, i had to be the best. The best in school, the one with the highest grades, the polite kid, the one that was lovely, smart… The best one.

Because I had to be different from my brothers and sisters who were, like me, struggled to survive. But, I was trying to change my destiny, I was trying to change the fate while they were embracing  it.

I have ran all my life to be good enough. I enrolled in a public university. I enrolled in a gym to work out and look good. I applied to an exchange and got a sponsorship and I’m still not good enough.
I worked my ass out to find a job and have some money to someone tell me that ” luckily I will find a better job”. No, sweetheart, I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired. Im weary.
I wonder when all of this are going to end. I wonder when I’m going just be me and be happy.

Making Money online? Just a myth.

Being unemployed sucks. For 3 months I have sent CV’s and tried to get a job. I have tried everything: Caregiver, teach mathematics or English, retail seller,  and telemarketing. Absolutely  NOTHING.

I wish I were more creative. But  I’m stuck  in a chub body and  social awkwardness. If I had the balls, I could create some content on Youtube, draw some drafts about gay life, or create fiction and short stories.But, you know what? Nothing works for me.

I like writing about my life and thoughts and that’s it. The problem is: this does not entertain anyone, it’s just boring stuff from my stuffed head.

Thus, I tried to  fill my days with movies and Ru Paul Drag Race. Sinking in shade.

 

X.x

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Marcelo

Uncertainty of the future.

I have always been the kind of kid who had two or three plans. If something could go wrong, I always had another plan to back it up. It was hard to let me out of the cold. But now, things have changed. There is no “me” to solve all my problems. I arrived in a road of my life that I just simply don’t know what to do.

I’m just a semester of my graduation. What I’m going to do next? What if I do not find a job? what if I’m going o stay at my parents house and growing old to be just an uncle? What about the travels that I want to do in the future? I’m going to stay here or I’m going to live in another place, again?

What about my love life: What if my boyfriend decides that I’m not the correct fit for him? What if my plans to life in Canada with him gets a cold feet? What I’m going to do with my life?

Things get worse when You have to sit in the dinner table with your family and answer a bunch of questions about something that you are not sure about. And, if your family is like my family, probably someone is going to kindly “suggest” something that you should do, even though you had never asked for advice.

But, this last few days something occurred to me: It’s nice not knowing everything. It’s nice just be. At the same point that you cannot hold the rain to pour or the sun to rise You just need to let it be. You just have to let the life follow its way.

There are somethings that I’m doing lately and that have helped me:

  • Live one day at the time.

(or, stop worrying about the future, just live the day, do what you want to do)

  • Stop complaining about things that you cannot change

Instead, try to focus on things that You can really do

  • If everything goes wrong, You still have your family and friends to help You

Remember that you are not alone :3

  • Don’t feel pressure to do things that You do not want to do. Go at your pace.

My friends sometimes wants me to go to crazy parties, or things that I do not feel like I fit in. So, I have declined some invitations. I know, it’s kinda bad, but, it’s better than you stay in a corner crying.

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Kayaking Deep Cove, BC.

A quarter of century crisis?

I just came back from an exchange. It was an amazing experience: I did new friends, I learned amazing things and I could experience a new culture. It have been 2 months that I am back here and I feel stuck. Paralyzed.

I wish I could find a new job. Do something would be nice, But, I have been trying since I arrived here and I just cannot find a  job. Tons of emails sent, applications in job websites and no answer. Nothing.  We are in a middle of a political and economical crises, all my friends are looking for jobs and it’s always the same: nothing.

I’ve got thinking another day about my life. I’m not sure anymore if I want to graduate in the bachelor program that I chose. I don’t know if I want to live here anymore. I’m not sure about my love life anymore. Besides,  I feel like not going anywhere or doing anything. Sometimes I wish I had someone or something who could tell me what to do, where to go.

Maybe it’s better stay where I am now than do something that it’s not going to make me happy, I guess.

Social media or Hell?

In the end of 2016, going to a midterm I lost my phone in the bus. I was really stressed at the time.  I was trying to study a little bit more in the bus before getting into class and get my midterm done and, once I step out of the bus, I realized that I was without it.

I stayed almost 15 days without a phone and, I have to say, It was the most calm and relaxing days of my life. I didn’t have to check on Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp or any social media all the time. Plus, I had more 3 midterms on the way, so I needed to focus. So, I had time to myself, and I had more time to be with people that I like and to be really there with them, present.

I realized that after have loosing it , I could sleep  better, I was less anxious and I was more open to talk with people. I  always tried to avoid awkward moments, mostly, because I’m not that secure in a second language, and also I’m kinda a shy guy. Happily (or not) I got my phone back and I felt that a piece of me was restored.

But, even thought I have it back and everything is completely fine, I feel that I need to step back a little bit again. I feel that I have to “lost my phone again” for some few days.  I mean, I don not have any problem with Internet and social media: I’m not a hippie guy that is against, but It just feels bad sometimes.

I am in my bedroom now,  alone, trying to catch up in some TV shows. It’s a holiday here in Brazil and I just don’t want to worry about anything. And all the time that I tried to open WhatsApp there is some problem to solve, someone gossiping about something and I just feel exhausted. All my energy has been drown out. I just deactivated my Facebook yesterday, to take a break. But it seems that I’m going to need to do the same thing with my other social media. Literally,  I have to lost my phone, again.

 

#2 things that I want to do with you.

Dear R.P.,

I was talking with a friend today about all the things what he wants to do. He wants to get married and have a life with someone. He wants those silly things, You know, like a perfect family life: a house, someone to cook for, kisses, travels together, taking care of each other when one is sick and great sex.

I read through that and I only could see me doing all of that with You. Not that I don’t have felt that before, but this was clear to me today. I saw you and me in our house having a good dinner. We traveling together. We having kids and an beautiful house. We taking care of each other when someone of us is sick.

Life is hard and I know that we are going to screw up at some point and fight over the the last piece of the pie. But, I wanna try all of that with You. If there is something that I have learned lately is: You have to want it and You have to work it out and make it happen. And for the first time I want it so bad…

Love You ❤

M.

#1 – I hope we can be together

Dear R.P.,

I know that we just had a fight and I know that this was my fault. I tried to understand your side of the story, but it was so hard for me. There are so much feelings involved on that matter and just I can’t sleep. I can’t eat properly either,  because this thoughts are following me through my day,like a ghost feeding of my vital energy.

I’m not a empathetic person. I just realized that this recent days, when I had a fight  with a friend. An online fight and this friend thew in my face that I needed to be more empathetic. I had never thought about that before, mind you…

So, there is a lack of empathy on me, sometimes I just cannot understand why you would do what You have done. I cannot put myself in your shoes, because in my mind, everything is so easy to be solved and  It’s so easy for me to judge you and think that you could have done it better. And anger feels me, because I really wanted to see you sooner. Because I thought that this was important for us as a couple. Because in my mind, everything was very clear: You were coming on April to see me and we were going to have an wonderful time together. Then, after I have finished my college I would join you, to live with you.

But, sometimes, nothing is as we want, isnt’t? You are not coming on April and I almost broke up with you, because I am kinda crazy bitch that likes to get things solved pretty much at the time that I want. But, being an adult is not like that, isn’t? I have to handle my feelings, smile, find a way to get over it and move on. And You know why?  Because I love you. Because I want to have a life with you, with kids, dog,plants and birds (maybe a cute fluffy hen). Because I’m not a kid anymore, I cannot just walk away and let the thing being solved by itself: I have to handle my shit, pretty much.

Well, so I’m here writing in my blog, waiting for you to talk to me online. I know that you are sad with me (I hope we don’t break up) and I don’t want to talk with my friends, because I respect you and I don’t want to ruin the image  they have of you, You are a nice guy and this is just an isolated case.

Always yours,

M.

 

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