How to love someone that’s going to hurt you?

Dear, R

I have been there before. It started with me going crazy trying to figure out what’s happening. Then, I close myself inside a shell, because I know that I will get hurt and I know that there is nothing cool about it.

So i protect myself and I kill the relationship. I start to doubt all the I love you’s (do you really love me or you are trying to keep me around?), all the ” I miss you’s”… Why You still using a hook up app, saying that you want to make friends? Why you still there? Why have You changed your image on scruff? You are always online. I try not to think about all the possibilities: are you seeing someone new? Are you trying to replace me with someone more handsome than me and also closer?

So, what should I do? Should i join on scruff, and use a shirtless avatar and let all the guys hit on me?

All the baggage from the past relationships seemed to be in front of me, to remember how it feels to be left behind, to be forgotten. Do You know that I have planned all moments of our lives? Do You Know I think about You all the time ?

Maybe I should start to give names to my insecurities. Maybe I’m feeling all this because of that guy I loved so much and suddenly he decided I wanst the perfect fit and I stayed in the relationship, while he found another guy and started to date in less than 1 month? (Oh, now he’s trying to hang out with me again).

Or, maybe it was that other guy, that was kinda of abusive and in the end both dedided to open the relationship and I feel in love with You dear, R. while he was going out with another guy, presented him to our friends and then decided that he still loved me?

Or, all the others guys who always said I was the perfect one, but never asked me to be their boyfriends. Because, it was missing something. I wasnt that good enough to be someone boyfriend.

Whatever… I don’t know if I can trust you anymore and I’m feeling miserable. I always thought that one day I would arrive in this place, this safe place. But, it seems not posible in the Gay community. What’s wrong with us ?

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